Love... it's Death...

Love... the force that pulls individuals together... unites them into one being that makes decisions based on the best for the other person. It's an affliction that catches one unaware, where time nor place is irrelevant. It crouches in the dark, waiting for its prey, then pounces when one has no defences whatsoever. No matter how one protects and prepares himself, for its onslaught, the situation will only work for the advantage of the other. It will only play with your head until you go crazy. It is death, though with every ending in love the person is alive though dead inside.

The "V" word...

What is the "V" word that send most men, and women for that matter, scurrying to their respective safe zones? Virginity. Why, one might ask, would people steer clear of this word. This one word brings stigma, anxiety, judgment, and biases, with just one mention of it. The world just simply could not decide whether it would persecute or uplift those with or without it. The norms are not really that defined for everyone. Do people really still care about it? Is it still a virtue? Or is it just an encumbrance?

Searching for articles in the internet regarding this very topic, and everything that comes along with it quite hard to come by. Big magazine sites that offer advice on almost everything under the sun (sex, cosmetics, fashion, etc.) does not really help in showing the plight of those who are under crisis about this.

I am writing this as a 23 year-old virgin who, while writing this, is not really giving medical or psychological advice. I am just opening up my mind about both sides of the coin. This article is not meant to judge anyone, as I try to keep my own personal preference from coloring this with biases.

Today, people often lose their virginity during high school. Thus, it has become somewhat like a norm that guys are most likely sexually active already when they reach their 20's. However, it is not uncommon for some to keep it intact as well. For whatever reason, truth is that there are some guys out there who are virgins (in it's clinical sense). Ridicule or stern advice on sex is often expected by such from other guy friends. Girls, on the other hand, would try to understand this guy, even though most of them would analyze and criticize the guy afterward.

Guys who are non-virgins, on the other hand, are often seen as players, depending on how many girls they have slept with. The more "conquests" they have, the more their buddies will cheer them on. Girls may or may not be enthralled by having a very experienced boyfriend or mate however. there are those who would see it as a plus factor, with the guy being able to lead inside the bedroom department, others may view it as a negative thing, that the guy may not truly be interested in them and is just making another conquest.

On girls, the stigma attached to virginity is greater. For those with it, they may feel as though they are out of touch, not only with the world, but even with their peers. It is not exactly peer pressure, though it is quite near, when one could not join the conversation of those who are sexually active. Though most girl friends are very understanding, some even encourages the "virgin one" to continue in her "unbroken" state, the girl would undoubtedly feel hampered by her beliefs while all her friends are enjoying sex. Also, this frightens potential suitors from even coming near you. They fear that if "chosen", the girl would cling to them for life, just because she gifted him with the specialness of being her first. Not exactly. There are guys who become clingy after this event. Have guys ever really thought about this factor, that maybe they might be the ones who become attached to being a girl's first? These girls are often seen as puritanical, prudish, and cloistered.

Girls who are non-virgins are viewed in a different angle. They are often seen as women of the world, independent, and empowered. However, when a girl has too many "experiences", guys and other girls would label her a slut, no matter how modern our world is. Also, in general, guys tend to feel special when they are the 'first", even though they may accept a girl who has lost her virginity. Most of that probably comes from male machismo. When placed in very traditional settings, these girls are often seen as their exact opposite int he modern world: unconventional, and are labeled with low moral codes.

In any case, whatever state your virginity may be, with the right person beside you, these confusing times could be weathered through. The right person would understand the situation and support you whatever you decide.

The oldest game of love

Flirting is almost like a ritual that people do before going into relationships. It's usually harmless, on the right people at the right times. But when this is done with people getting hurt, it becomes something else entirely.

CASE 1: The Free-Agents Mix-in

When a single person, aka "The Free Agent", mingles with others who are the same, romantic possibilities are way off the roof. This is the right time to say that "All's fair in love and war" because other singles may take the other person as well. Fight fairly, friends, because in this part, everyone who has the first dibs on the goods does not necessarily win the goods.

CASE 2: The Outsider

In this situation, the free agent falls for a person in a relationship. Now, you may say that in the event that something goes infinitely wrong with the relationship, the one to blame would be the free agent. According to very reliable sources, my friends, it's oftentimes the wrong way around. Usually, in situations like these, the free agent would show motives and it's up to whomever is the receiver of such would react. There is only two takes on the outcome of this mess: the free agent's amorous intents crash and burn or the couple breaks up and the free agent gets the goal.

However, a word to the wise, if you experience this situation and you are "the exclusive" (in a relationship), think things thoroughly if "the free agent" is worth the trouble of breaking up with your partner or otherwise. If you, on the other hand, are "the free agent", give the other person time to think things through. Whether or not your feelings are received is not the point. At the very least, you have made your feelings known clear and sound to the person. Better that than leaving them thinking, wondering, where you are truly standing or coming from.

CASE 3: The Inside Job

These days, there are those who fall in love, far too easily. From that group, there are those who are already "exclusives". Unfortunately for them, there is no way around this except to clear things with their partners and then, after that, start pursuing the "free agent". Because nothing messes with the mind of a single more than an "exclusive" flirting with them. It's because they never know where to stand... They are usually at a stand still, especially if they happen to have mutual feelings for that person.

Advice for the free agents caught up in this type of situation: let them clear things up with whomever they are involved with. It would not be good to start your relationship with the person by letting them two-time their partners, nor would it be fine to suffer while they could not decide what to do. For the "exclusive": decide what you truly want. Reality is that there are those among "free agents" who are willing to wait for you, there are also those who aren't willing. If ever they decide to go with someone else, you have noone to blame but yourself.

All in all, tread carefully in the uncharted territories of love... you never know when you will fall...

A Discourse on Rightness

No, this is not about morality nor is this about ethics. Its simply about love, and thoughts that pertains to whether feeling love is right or wrong.

Love is never something wrong. It is not to be used as a means to an end. There is also no certainty about love. The feeling itself dictates that whatever the outcome of events are, whatever happens, the love you felt is and will always be true.

What is wrong nowadays is people expecting things about love: should it not be reciprocated, the effects of admitting the feelings, the endless planning for that "RIGHT" moment... When things do not follow the plans accordingly, people tend to blame it on love. They become cynics, pessimists, and in doing so, force themselves out of the feeling because of thousands of regrets. These are things that are, as a fact, not to be blamed on anyone, much less on love.

It is pointless to love if you expect something in return. Should it not be that you are happy to be able to love? There are those who try and yet could not do so. Love is supposedly a beginning, whether or not the feelings are returned, to becoming a better person. Regrets should not be part of a person's experience when it comes to love, because it would only taint the picture.

Love takes many shapes and forms. It is always returned, though not always in the manner that we would have wanted it to be. Though many things may go wrong in the course of finding that one truly meant for each of us, the love we give to those we encounter is never really wrong, it's just that it might not be the right type of love we are looking for.

How Do I Love Thee

Written by: Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.

I love thee to the level of every day's

Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.

I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;

I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.

I love with a passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost saints, I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life! and, if God choose,

I shall but love thee better after death.

For all the June brides out there, wishing for their own fairytale ending...

Shakespeare Sonnet 116

For all the June brides out there, wishing for their own fairytale ending...

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

For all the June brides out there, wishing for their own fairytale ending...

Love is patient,
love is kind.
It does not envy,
it does not boast,
it is not proud.
It is not rude,
it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects,

always trusts,

always hopes,

always perseveres.

Father's Day

With the approaching day of celebration to fathers of all ages, here are some funny quotes to share!

The thing to remember about fathers is... they're men. A girl has to keep it in mind: They are dragon-seekers, bent on improbable rescues. Scratch any father, you find someone chock-full of qualms and romantic terrors, believing change is a threat, like your first shoes with heels on, like your first bicycle...
~ Phyllis McGinley

Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

~ Red Buttons

And the devil said no...

Part 1...

She had never met him. She did not want to. She just wanted to run. Run from his presence. She persisted in running from the evil being. She knew she needed to at least try. She just could not accept that she belonged to him for now and forevermore. She ran, through the thicket and bushes that obscured the narrow and unclear garden path. She looked back, knowing it might be the last time she will ever look upon her home with her own eyes. Her home, once happy and bright, now looked shabby and dull as a dark cloud descended upon it. The tears in her eyes overflowing, she forced herself to look away.

After a while, she found herself looking at a small village, far from civilization. As if the place had been untouched by the times. She was almost certain that she had somehow slipped through a hole in time and ended there where she stood. And just as suddenly, she found herself staring at a man atop a dark chestnut horse. His eyes piercing black, he sat straight and tall on his steed. She couldn't help staring.

He looked at her and asked why she was in his village. His village, she asked. She looked around and saw that every townsfolk was looking at them with curious eyes. She then realized that everyone looked up to this tall, brooding man. Out of sheer fear and tiredness, she crumpled to a faint...

Freedom...

The brambles snared the disheveled gown, tearing it slowly to pieces. A princess, she once was; a loon she now is. Her hair once bright, glowing, is now in total disarray, tangled beyond repair. Her face, before compared to goddesses, now was devoid of any beauty, gaunt and pale as it was. Her jewel-encrusted slippers lay discarded on the banks of a murky swamp.

She was running towards the light at the end of the deep, dark forest, wishing... wanting freedom. Her mind closed to any other thought. She shook her head violently as she wished the troubles chasing through her mind away. No family nor friends around to help her, she looked dejected and lost as she made her way through the overgrown roots of the forest floor. She stumbles and falls many times and yet, in her desperation to achieve her goal, she carries on, bruised, cut, bloodied.

She reaches the forest border, finding it not to be an escape hatch to a beautiful and peaceful place. Rather, it seemed like the ground was suddenly cut from beneath her. A cliff it would seem to be. She grasped greedily at the roots she once thought were problematic. They were now her only lifeline to redemption. And yet, as she looked down, suspended many feet above jagged rocks and trees, she felt that there was a choice. A choice to make. And she made a decision.

She was free.

Star Tower

She was a multi-talented star though compared to all the other actors within her agency she was a newcomer, a baby when it comes to the business. But she was eager to learn and was very energetic. People never truly knew the extent of how talented she was. She smiled at their praises, seemingly happy... On the outside...

She was a product of a neglected childhood, of people who needed her then discarded her after use, of situations where she was always the one blamed for things beyond her control. When she entered the business, she knew that she somehow was encouraging being hurt... the feeling of pain... of not being wanted enough... The superficial smiles and words proferred to her by adoring fans and colleagues would somehow just bounce off her, not reaching her heart. Because she knew. She knew that her heart was hollow, beating only for survival... nothing else.

She was smiling benevolently at a party in her honor that cold Christmas eve. Suddenly, as if the party was exhausting her, she turned to leave. Not wanting to go home, knowing fully that nobody would be waiting in her big yet lonely apartment, she decided to head up to the rooftop. Walking up the stairs, taking each step at a time, she decides to commit suicide. With each heavy step, feelings of loneliness envelope her, furthering her determination to jump off the rails the very night when she was awarded best newcomer in the business. She did not feel satisfaction with mere words... a plaque... nothing. It was as if a void, a chasm, was opening right in front of her, threatening to envelope her in darkness with each step she took nearing the door to the rooftop. She opened the door. That was when the world stopped.

He was angelic; tall, with tousled dark raven locks that brushed his collar, a serene expression gracing his face. It was as if the wind was purposely wafting around his face to make him look more and more not from this world. But there was something wrong with this angelic-looking man, she thought, as though he was not an angel of the light. No, it would not fit him at all. He was an angel of the night, she thought, totally forgetting all about her plan to jump from the top of that tower. She looked again, then noticed with alarm that he was standing way to close to the edge. She ran to him and reached out her hand to him.

He looked at the hand of the angel facing him. She looked radiant. He recognized her from the party below. And yet he did not deign to go inside, though he was invited since he was the son of the owner of the agency. He looked at her offered hand and hesitated to touch it, thinking he could taint her by just holding it. She smiled at his hesitation.

"You truly do not want to do this tonight, do you?"

"Do you not recognize me?"

"No."

He was aghast. He thought that the extent of his power would have been known to all of the people within the agency. Somehow, that was not the case with this lady. She was a newcomer, he thought, giving the girl allowances for not knowing. Girl, he sighed. He was not much older than her, it seemed to him. Possibly not more than five years older at maximum. And yet, he felt as though he was an old guy, aging with each passing minute he stayed in his father's old office. The girl spoke again, her wonderfully musical voice lilting with each word.

"Hold my hand and try to cross the railing... Come here where it's safer..."

"Why should I do that when, if I am correct, you yourself was about to do the same thing I want to do now?"

Her temper flared to unbearable temperatures. The tension she released was enough for him to even imagine laughably, at that moment, that her aura was a great ball of fire. She asked herself the same thing. Why would he know about something like that? But, she thought, was she so open that he could guess what she had planned. She got angry once again. Why was he refusing help, anyway?

"Why won't you just take my hand?"

"Because I'm tired of living like this, just following HIS footsteps and not being able to create a masterpiece because I am stuck in a four-walled container! Aren't you tired as well that's why you came up here?"

"Who the hell are you talking about? And anyway, if you're tired of your job, then just quit!"

"Damn you, do you not know that there is no one who could replace me if I quit my job? I was trained since I was born to take this job and live with it for the rest of my life!"

"Then train someone to replace you until such time, if ever, that you would like to take up whatever job you have right now once again."

"You say it so simply. Yet, let me ask you, why are you so intent on helping me?

"I realized that my life, and yours as well, would be such a waste if we end it here... now... in this cold and lonely tower. I figured that if we could help each other... that is... find solutions to our problems... maybe they won't be so heavy... I just wanted someone to talk to... And seeing you here made me think twice about ending my life."

And, as he looked at her eyes, he saw clarity for once that maybe, just maybe, this girl was talking about something possible. Something miraculous even. That he might just be able to pursue his dream. And as he reached for her hand, he slipped.

Time seemed suspended for a thousand seconds.

And then, a miracle.

She had reached out and grabbed his hand preventing his fall to his demise. With her feeble strength, she pulled him to safety. After a few breathless minutes had passed, they looked at each other, and just simply laughed.

The Couch

8:00 PM
She sat seething in front of the computer screen, staring unblinkingly at the unmoving pictures. Spots have been appearing in front of her eyes for the last hour or so. It was an utterly boring experience, but it was the only thing keeping her from screaming her head off. Her roomies were all but quiet, gushing about their own lovelife as if something extraordinary happened. She was at her limit, knowing that she hated anything pertaining to love.

9:00 PM
One of the girls approached her to borrow her phone, apparently to call her beau. She goodnaturedly allowed its use, wishing that she could throw the phone rather than give it to "the girl". "The girl" was having boyfriend troubles, she heard. Not that she truly wanted to eavesdrop on the conversation. No. Miss high-and-mighty would never stoop that low. It was also fortunate that the exchange was so loud that people from another planet could possibly hear it as well. "The girl" handed her phone back; eyes red-rimmed from keeping back tears, nose ripe from sniffing back snot. She bit back her tongue against every derogatory word she could summon at that moment.

10:00 PM
"The girl" wandered to her side of the room, sitting upon the bedclothes without preamble. Caught unguarded, she tried to hide her horrified gaze at the intrusion to ask what the matter was. Sure enough, "the girl" started crying about all past and present transgressions of her beau. As if she cared about the couple. It was not that she was totally unfeeling though. She wanted the best for every girl in the planet, but she had already adviced this particular girl so many times about so many different things. She sat back against her pillows, waiting for the story telling to end.

11:00 PM
The story has far from ended, with "the girl" adding more to it by infuriating her current boyfriend with startling innuendos about her erstwhile boy-toy. She was getting tired of the discussion. With their roommates asleep, she was left to fend for herself against the duo-of-ultimate-sweetness who were currently fighting over nonsensical things. She was toying with the idea of cutting the phone cord just to have a little peace.

12:00 midnight
Her head was heavy not only with lack of sleep but with the accusations "the girl" was hurling at her beau. It was one thing to listen empathetically at their problems, another to actually try and solve it for them. Abruptly cutting the stream of invectives the girl was spewing, she said her goodnights and asked "the girl" to close the lights as she covered herself with the blanket.

11:00 AM
The sun was high up in the sky when she woke. It was a dreamless night, suppossedly very restful. Unfortunately, "the girl"'s problems were hanging around her mind all night. She woke many times during the 11 hours that she slept, never mind the times when she was inadvertently shaken by people moving about their room. She quickly dressed and went to the kitchen to find whatever fare was left of breakfast.

3:00 PM
After four hours of blissful silence, "the girl" finally awakened from her slumber. She wondered what the girl could be thinking as "the girl" sat listlessly on the bed. She asked if the latter would want to company while eating a late lunch. "The girl" nodded absently. As soon as they were at the table, "the girl" started wailing about the chat she had with her guy early that morning. She thought that it was amazing how the teo could talk into the wee hours of morn and still not have fixed their problems. She then proceeded to bluntly explain that although the guy might have been at fault, there was also some part of the rift that the girl caused. "The girl" looked at her incredulously, as if to say she did not just say that. But she reiterated the line, explaining that it always took two to tango, and that the couple would need to talk rather seriously if they wanted to work things out.

8:00 PM
She walked into the foyer, fresh from a brief chat with friends. Upon entering the living room, she suddenly noticed that she was not alone. On top of the couch was "the couple", smiling sheepishly at her intrusion of their private time. Rolling her eyes, she left quietly, wishing the couple to perdition in her mind. She wished she was blind, so that she did not have to see the scene that welcomed her in the living room. As "the girl" crept up to their room a while later, she could not meet eyes with the other. Yes, she thought. It was certainly going to be very awkward from now on.

The Garden

He loved her since they were small children. He'd watch over her as she tried outrageous things, always making sure she did not hurt herself in the process. They grew up together, their houses in very close proximity, their families being friends since time immemorial, them sharing one garden. They shared secrets to noone but each other.

He realized he loved her when she was eighteen. During her coming-out party. He could not keep his eyes off her, she sparkled like a diamond. And when she smiled at him, he knew he wanted that smile to be bestowed only upon him. No one else. And yet, he was afraid. These feelings, though natural, were also somewhat unwelcome. It could mean the destruction of their friendship. And so he kept his silence that night.

Keeping away from her was quite hard. But he did just that, so as not to blurt his feelings so suddenly. He wanted to give her the world, but he also knew she had to experience a bit about it by herself. She was a grown woman now, he'd remind himself. Capable of making her own decisions. So he told himself that he'd wait for the right time. But he learned to quickly, and unfortunately, too late, that there was no right time...

Deciding to ask her to be his wife, he drove to town one day to buy her a ring. An eternity ring. On the way, he passed by an overturned carriage, with people on the street looking over it, shaking their heads. Preoccupied with the urgency to buy the ring, he did not stop to inquire about the said carriage. He went directly to the garden when he got home, knowing perfectly that he'd find her there, in her usual spot, reading a novel or just simply dozing on the bench. When he got there, she was no where to be found.

He was about to bound straight to the backdoor of her house when he saw a movement to his right. He turned. And there she was, although he knew that something was not quite right... She somehow had a glow about her. He went to her and embraced her. She smiled at him. He professed his love and told her of his plans for both of them. Then he presented the ring. She continued to smile, but now there were tears flowing from her eyes. She said that she loved him since they were young but he showed no inclination to take it further than friendship. That she had been waiting for this the whole time. And now, her every dream had been fulfilled.

The sorrow on her face tore his heart apart. He apologized for waiting far too long to tell her these things. He slid the ring on her finger and wiped the tears from her face. Then she smiled once again, saying she had already forgiven him for everything and wanted the both of them to only look forward. He said he was going to talk to her parents at that very moment. Her face became troubled, but she did not argue with him. Instead, she kissed him long and sweet and bid him to come back immediately to her about any news. He smiled and promised to be back, saying he would be able to pursuade her parents to give her to him.

He went directly to her family's main hall where, he was told by a maid, her parents were waiting. Oblivious to the red eyes of the maids he passed, he greeted her parents jovially. Then came the shocking news. The overturned carriage he passed earlier was carrying his beloved. she died though, because she did not get immediate medical attention. Her parents were informed way too late and the people around waited far too long to call an ambulance. Her body was brought to the door of their house a few minutes earlier.

He staggered to a chair, the blood draining from his face. He asked if he could see her. Her parents agreed, though not before exchanging worried glances. He went to her room and took a deep breath before entering. Her chamber, he noted, was very somber. He beheld her body, now cleansed of blood, on top of her bed. The flickering light from the slowly dying sun shone on her hand, momentarily blinding him. He looked closer. On her face, a smile of an angel. On her hand, his eternity ring.

Maybe Some Other Time

They've known each other since high school. He even tried courting her once but totally crashed and burned. They've been friends since. But lately, things have been quite awkward for them...

They'd steal glances of each other when they think the other is not looking. She has butterflies, which she attributes to a bad stomach, whenever he is near. He can't get her out of his head, which in turn he attributes to serious head injury. But that did not change their views of each other...

"Be a little bit more feminine, maybe I'll ask you out again."

"HAH! In your dreams! It'll have more sense to date a monkey!"

Yep, he was still a major jerk, she was still the pain in the arse....

Nevertheless, when they are alone, he finally says the right things that make her smile. And he smiles as well. Even without the words, they know they're meant for each other. Who else would accept each other as well as they could. They accept that it just isn't the time, right now that is. Sometime, maybe, it will be. And things will be all right in the world, as it is now...



Post Script...

This story is a total departure from my usual genre... ... Feel free to flame and comment.

The Trip

She looked out the window of their room. The hotel was situated near the beach, their room overlooking the bay. Her hair disheveled, she looked over her shoulder at the sleeping form of her husband. She was happy, somehow...

She went over to their luggage. They carried only enough for a few days stay. She took out a small travel diary, with details about a few certain spots she knew she'd have to visit. Hugging the small hardbound book to her chest, she tiptoed across the room and went out of the room. She spied a coffee shop at the lobby.

Sitting at an empty corner, she opened the diary. It contained small notes, text messages, and e-mails. And one very small photo from years past. She silently shook her head, a small smile formed upon her dewy lips. That was a time she'd rather not reminisce.

But memories still made their way to her conscious mind. This trip was supposed to be THEIRS... But he changed... she changed... they grew up... He invited his new girl to THE TRIP... And it hurt so much...

She felt her heart flutter once again, after a very long time. And when it did, she never let go again. But whenever she saw the photo, their photo, she thought of times past and the "what if's".

She looked up, and though she could not see the room, she knew her husband would be there, waiting... forever for her... And she looked down at the book sitting at her lap. And she smiled, finally a true one graced her mouth...

As people passed the fireplace, no one seemed to notice that the fire burned ever so brightly. Nor did they notice that right at the corner of that brightly burning fireplace was a small hardbound book adding to the flame...

Resurrection

I BLINKED MY EYES. It was dark. I was surrounded by gloomy-looking trees and a cold draft swept around my ankles. I looked down on my chest. I saw it. I saw the knife protruding from my area where my heart lies. I coughed and tasted blood. I knew death would not be long.

I looked around me and saw shadows about. I called to them. They came near, grinning wickedly. I knew immediately that they were the ones who did this to me. I backed away, but they caught up to me. They twisted the knife deeper. I pleaded and cried for them to stop the torment. They only sneered at me. Finally they let go, leaving me to stand on my own. But they did not depart. They wanted to see the rest of the show. The show entitled "My Death".

I stumbled forward, stunned by what was happening. I fell to the ground, feeling weak and desperate. Suddenly I felt that I was being lifted from the ground. With my remaining strength, I lifted my head. My eyes collided with a body, one that I knew so well. It was my own.

I saw the old me; the one who wore a lot of masks, the one who kept herself hidden, the one who never shared her problems, the one who never felt anything and couldn't be bothered by anything. I saw all that I was before the hurt, the pain brought on by them. My chest ached. The old me hugged my body tighter, as if comforting me in my final moments. And I felt safe. Bound by my own arms to that familiar body, I felt protected by the same coccoon that held me a few years back. My heavy eyelids slid down. I felt released from everything that previously held me in ball and chain.

I opened my eyes and I knew... The old me was back... I'M BACK...

The Doll

HE LOVED HER EYES. He felt that he could look in them forever and never tire. Maybe because her eyes showed every emotion she feels, a window to HER soul it may be. He never really knew why he always felt that he could drown in those chocolate brown pools deep set on her face.

She was a very engaging conversant. He was never once bored with every meeting. They would talk for hours on end aboout topics that range from current topics to nonsensical wonderings. Her voice, he knew, was the siren's call that would lure him to his destruction. It is also his saving grace. Not once did he suspect that she was keeping a grave secret.

He was visiting a sick relative that fateful day. He was just paying the rest of the medical bills when his gaze was arrested on the clinic door. He saw her. She looked stricken but still held her composure and he loved her for it. He knew a lot who went in hospitals, for whatever reason, went out crying or collapsing. As he approached her, he noticed the white sheet she was clinging to. Her hand was shaking violently. He stood before her now... she looked up... and for a moment stood silently, pleading him to understand. And she said the dreaded words...

"I'm dying in a month's time."

He stared blankly at her, not quite believing the words. And yet, the quiet truth in her eyes undid his disbelief. He felt that a month was not enough to show how he loved her. But he is going to try anyway. He always thought that a miracle would happen.

Her passing was sudden. She was lying on the lounge on his lap when he suddenly felt her hand go limp in his. He felt for a pulse and there was none. He is silently crying now. On her burial he stood behind the crowd, giving his goodbye the way she would have wanted.

He looked again at the doll before him. He created it himself, in the likeness of his beloved. Everything was crafted by his hand. Except for the eyes. Those chocolate brown eyes that he would never tire looking at, forever and a day.

Post Script: a dedication

Flight...

It's turning out to be another rotten day. The weather is even in-tune with her feelings... not that THAT was needed as a confirmation or a sign that her emotions were going haywire. The floorboards creaked ever so slightly as she crossed the corridoor. Her family was soooo not going to like what she's planning to do but there's no stopping her. The anger she felt was quickly turning into hot white rage and she knew that once that happens, her personality would morph into something "The Hulk" would not even compare...

Her life was fairly simple, that is if she lived by herself. She unfortunately had the good luck to live with her family. She is surrounded by friends who love her to bits. And yet, times when she felt overlooked and unappreciated overwhelms the good things... She has all too often wished to the gods for a person to at least understand her... She finally decided she has waited long enough, that person was not coming any time soon...

She planned for a new life, a new start somewhere far away. A place far enough that the crazy would only be able to reach her via the telephone or the internet, both of which she seldom uses. She has told no one of her plans, not even her closest of friends. She silently packed essentials for the trip the day before she left. Her family would suspect if they even saw a bag being packed days earlier.

She stepped out onto the road, holding on to her small travelling pack on one hand and her umbrella on the other. It was midnight. Her plane is to depart before her family wakes up. She left them a note, she was sure they would see it before they all went nuts about her departure.

The roads were slick because of the nonstop rain. Her intent was to get to the nearest bus stop and catch the earliest ride to the airport. She was so into her own thoughts. As she alighted the sidewalk to cross the road, she turned just in time to see the headlights of the approaching van. The last thing she heard was the screeching tires that would never stop in time...

Thoughts...

Her Thoughts... His Thoughts

I shouldn't love you.
I mustn't love you.
You're a complete contradiction to my beliefs.
You oppose me at every turn.
Everyday is an argument.
Every hour a challenge.
We mix like oil and water.
More like fire and ice.
You're as strong-headed as I am.
You'd ne'er accept defeat, as would I.
I could not understand you.
I never did try to.
You are too grounded, stiff as a tree.
You're a free soul, too flighty and outspoken.
Our thoughts never coincide.
Our tastes never jive.
And yet...
And yet...
I do love you...
I do love you...

A Boring Mortality

Death can't come quickly
For someone like me;
Who has a lot of ailments
Within my person.

Don't get me wrong,
I love my life;
But possible complications
Curb a lot of adventures.

It's a nuisance, an inconvenience,
To the people around me.
I do not like the fact that I
Am the reason for their anxiety.

I try to enjoy life the best that I can;
Exist in the way that I want.
But there are times when I just wish
That the problems within me vanish.

Guess You Weren't

Guess you weren't
The person I thought you were
Your lies, the deceit
I have had to live through.

If I live those memories again
I'll go crazy for sure.
I don't need the heartache
Nor the headache that you bring.

I'll assure you that I am fine
I promise you I will be
Once you get out of my life
That will be a reality.

It was a roller-coaster ride
That made me nauseous and dizzy.
I swear I won't ride again,
Because you're not the one for me.

Poem 00

Are you the one made for me?
The only one who'll understand
My ups and downs, the crazy,
The one who'll survive that?

Are you the one who was sent
To help me forget the past,
The hurt and pain, the tears,
The one to make all of it go away?

Are you the one who'll stick with me
Even though I'm not much of a talker,
My mood changes like the weather,
And I may at times be cold?

I'm not looking for a lot, no.
I just want someone who'll stay,
Who'll need me and love me,
But I don't feel that from you.

We'll try to work this out, I know.
We'll see how and where this'll go.
I'm hoping for change to come,
To know if you're really the one for me.

How I Feel Today

Can't decide whether to divide
My heart, my soul, my mind.
Pulled in all directions
With no clear place to go.

Pouring rain beating my windows
Cloudy and gray is my sky today.
But with my blinded eyes I try to see
The clear blue hiding behind it.

I try to calm my pounding heart
And ease my troubled mind
I'd like to have a problem-free life
So far, it's been nothing like that.

A roller-coaster ride is how it feels
A life like this, I'm destined to live.
I'm not mincing words when I say
My life has been one hell of a crazy ride.

I continue on this road
With its many blocks and potholes
It makes me sad and I want to cry
And sometimes, I just want to die.

Hopelessness, I sometimes feel
Whenever I am totally alone.
Within the four corners of my room,
Despair is always there.

My hidden feelings, I try to say
But no words would come to me.
Someday , I know I'll learn
How to do things my way.

Everything in my life has run amok
Yet I try to find some peace.
The light at the end of my tunnel
Seems so near yet truly so far from me.

Called Love...

Do we really know love?
One that's true, that's pure
One that could sacrifice
One that could understand?
Is the love you feel true?
True enough for it not to be tainted
By lies, by intrigues, by rumors?
Or is that love just pity for the other?
Is your love pure?
Is it one that does not ask, just gives?
Is it one that doesn't wish for more?
And even then, do you still find it fulfilling?
Could you sacrifice for your love?
Your money, your time, your personality,
Your family or your life without a second thought,
For the one you love?
Could you easily understand the person?
Because you love him?
Could you accept their reasons?
Or excuses because of your love?
Love is not bound by time and space
It could not be kept in a small box
And could not be given reasons as to why, how, and so on.
Such is the feeling called love.